I never go to school anymore and I’m starting to feel really bad about it. But sometimes, lately most of the time, I get unbearable anxiety to the point where I cant breathe or feel like I’m dying just at the thought of leaving the house. I cant control it no matter what I do. I’ve tried therapy, breathing exercises, and lots of different medications.
The only thing that was working at the beginning of the school year was anti anxiety medication, but I built up a high tolerance to them in just a few short months. I’ve been running out of my prescription early because that’s the only way I can continue. The only options I have are to overdose on benzos just to get through the school day or just drop out, and the second option is looking better to me.
I hate seeing how good I was doing at the beginning of the year. Since I didn’t have a high tolerance to my meds they worked much better, and my grades were all A’s and B’s even though the meds messed up my memory. Now I have only a couple of B’s, mostly C’s, and two I’s. Getting an I means that you didn’t even complete the work needed, so they can’t even grade you. I missed so much school the past couple of months that i didn’t even complete two of the classes I had. I have no idea how the school is going to address this. Maybe kick me out, or summer school. Ugh. I just don’t want to go. if there was a way to complete my work from home on the days where I really feel like I cant leave the house, it would be so much better for me.
I’m a huge fuck up. I always will be.