School anxiety

I never go to school anymore and I’m starting to feel really bad about it. But sometimes, lately most of the time, I get unbearable anxiety to the point where I cant breathe or feel like I’m dying just at the thought of leaving the house. I cant control it no matter what I do. I’ve tried therapy, breathing exercises, and lots of different medications.

The only thing that was working at the beginning of the school year was anti anxiety medication, but I built up a high tolerance to them in just a few short months. I’ve been running out of my prescription early because that’s the only way I can continue. The only options I have are to overdose on benzos just to get through the school day or just drop out, and the second option is looking better to me.

I hate seeing how good I was doing at the beginning of the year. Since I didn’t have a high tolerance to my meds they worked much better, and my grades were all A’s and B’s even though the meds messed up my memory. Now I have only a couple of B’s, mostly C’s, and two I’s. Getting an I means that you didn’t even complete the work needed, so they can’t even grade you. I missed so much school the past couple of months that i didn’t even complete two of the classes I had. I have no idea how the school is going to address this. Maybe kick me out, or summer school. Ugh. I just don’t want to go. if there was a way to complete my work from home on the days where I really feel like I cant leave the house, it would be so much better for me. 

I’m a huge fuck up. I always will be. 

“Why are you depressed?”

The question “Why are you depressed?” makes me really fucking angry.

Like I know the people asking these questions are genuinely clueless, have no ill intent and ‘just want to know’, but after years and years of receiving this question, it really FUCKS ME OFF. Not the people themselves who are asking, but the question itself.

Its often not the case that people with depression have this pin point in their lives where we know whats caused our depression. And even if we do know whats caused it, its not as easy as going “Oh well that caused it now I just need to deal with that” because there isn’t much that can ‘cure’ the emotional pain and the memory we have of trauma. Often, we don’t know why we have depression. We don’t even know if its ‘caused’, maybe its just there because it is. We’ve suffered hardships and trauma, yeah, but so have others who don’t have depression. Why us? Maybe its a mixture of things. Maybe its genetic.

Depression is a fucking legitimate mental illness that effects the chemicals in your brain and it takes a while to find a medication or coping method or whatever else that works for you because every damn person is different, and sometimes you may not find one at all.

People also need to stop thinking depression can be ‘cured’. That we can just ‘find’ what caused it and overcome that and be all fine and dandy. Often, it can’t be cured. Often its just kept at bay with the right meds or something.

And almost always, we don’t know why we have depression. There often is no pin point. There is hardly ever an explanation.

People need to get out of this mindset. People need to stop asking us why we have depression. We already ask ourselves this all the time and we have no answers.

First post

I’ve decided that I’m going to switch to wordpress to use as my ‘personal’ blog. Tumblr wasn’t working out because of the triggering posts and the amount of people glamorizing depression, self harm, etc was angering me. So I decided that tumblr was not the best site to have a blog centered around mental illness so I deleted my personal tumblr blog.  

I wont be posting much about things currently going on in my life, but more about the things going on in my head. So in short this blog will pretty much just be me complaining about stuff. 

To the people reading this, if anybody really is, then I guess I’ll introduce myself a bit. 

My name is Nicole and I’m a seventeen year old girl living in Pennsylvania. I like anime & manga, video games, plushies, and cats. I’m very immature and childish, and one of my biggest fears is getting older.

I’ve had an anxiety problem my whole life, and because of that I hate leaving my house and socializing. I was in online school for 4 years but started going to school again this year, which is a lot on me and my main source of anxiety at the moment, so expect a lot of rants about school and anxiety on here.

I also struggle with other mental illnesses besides anxiety, so this blog may be very negative most of the time. After all this is my personal blog and I will post whatever I want because I need a place where I can get things off my chest.