I’m really miserable

I’m too scared to take my meds though. I haven’t taken them in a about a month, maybe longer. I’m terrified of building up immunity, since these are the only meds I’ve tried that have actually worked, but I feel their affects fading. I know that doesn’t make any logical sense, because surely its better to stay on them and be happier for as long as they will do, but I can’t bring myself to. I’m terrified of having to go through the search again, and dealing with side affects and crying because those ones didn’t work either when I’m so desperate to feel okay. Every time I swallow those pills, I think about how I’m building up an immunity and it makes me so anxious.

Please don’t demonize psych meds

I’m really tired of people saying stuff like “I don’t believe in medications, it’s all about Big Pharma wanting money and doctor’s getting kickbacks. You shouldn’t take any meds! Power through it! The human body wasn’t designed to exist on chemicals!”

You know what else the human body wasn’t designed to do? It wasn’t designed to function on chronically low serotonin and dopamine levels. It wasn’t designed to be in a constant state of depression, anxiety, or emotional fluctuation. Being bipolar or depressed or manic or obsessive-compulsive are chemical imbalances that cannot always be cured through the use of diet and exercise alone. 

I believe that in this case, and in many cases, you cannot demonize something when you have never had a cause to experience it. If you have never been in a place where a pill, one single little pill, can be the difference between sobbing in your bed all day, every day, and keeping a job and a home, then you cannot be a judge of whether this pill is acceptable or not.

Even if medication doesn’t help you, it can be very helpful to some other people. 

“You have nothing to be panicked about.”

I know. I know. I know. And because I know I have nothing to be panicked about, I panic even more. When I realize that my anxiety is unfounded, I panic even more because then I feel like I’m not in touch with reality.

Most of the time for me, a panic attack is irrational. Sometimes they stem from circumstances — a certain couch triggers a bad memory or being on an airplane makes you claustrophobic or a break up causes you to flip your lid — but mostly, the reasons I’m panicking are complex, hard to articulate or simply, unknown. I could tell myself all day that I have no reason to be having a panic attack and I would still be panicking. Sometimes, I become even more overwhelmed when I think my behavior is “unacceptable” (as I often believe it is when I’m panicking). I know it’s all in my mind, but my mind can be a pretty dark and scary place when it gets going.

My scars /rant/

I’m sick of being expected to be ashamed and cover my scars. Fuck off, I’ve spent more than enough time being ashamed of my damn scars and my body and I don’t give a flying fuck if my damn body makes you uncomfortable, I’m not hiding it so you can pretend people don’t do this to themselves and be all fine and dandy pretending everyone is fine and dandy. My scars and my issues are right fucking there for you to see and I don’t give a fuck how uncomfortable it makes you.

I don’t want pity or for you to say anything, I just want to be looked at the same way you look at every other damn person and without judgement. I just don’t want you to expect me to be ashamed of a part of my body I can’t help but have for a strangers benefit. I’m not gonna wear pants to the fucking beach just because you don’t want to see my scars and face that reality. I’m not gonna hide my arms and wear cardigans for the rest of my life.

I don’t CARE about my scars anymore for fucks sake and I just wish other people didn’t. You don’t have to grab my arm and tell me “you don’t have to do that” about fucking 2 year old scars, I forgot about them, its not like I’m trying to wave my scars in your face so you can pity me. I’ve just given up caring and hiding them and you need to stop expecting me to hide them and be ashamed of them and assuming that they are only out because I’m fucking fishing for pity or sympathy. 

SO STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE ASHAMED OF THEM OR HIDE THEM. Its not like you’re the one who fucking has them. I’ve spent years hiding them but everyone can fuck off. Get used to them, because I have and I’m the one who has to wear them forever.

Rant on relationships

The biggest problem with relationships is that people think you have to have one in order to be happy. 

I feel like this leads people to jump into the first relationship they can without really thinking about why they are doing it.

Simply put, if you are trying to be in a relationship because you have crappy self-esteem and need another person to make you feel better, YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

If you are trying to get a boyfriend/girlfriend because you think everyone else has one, YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

If you think a relationship will make you happier, YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Please, for the love of god, stop wasting your life chasing after relationships. Just stop waiting for some magical person to pop into your life so you can start living. Just get out there and do what you want to do without making a relationship the end goal. It will happen when it happens.

It sounds really counter-intuitive, but if you’re not focused on chasing other people, you can focus more on yourself, the person you want to become, and what you really want to do with your life. You are ready for a relationship when you stop needing one.

That way, when you do find yourself in a relationship, you’re not a clingy and obsessive partner who desperately needs some kind of validation on a consistent basis. That way, if you break up, it’s not like your entire life falls to pieces because you based your entire being around this person. That way, you will know your limits and expectations because you know yourself really well instead of finding yourself in the middle of a mess and then regretting things you did.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

My views on feminism

I do call myself a feminist, but I don’t associate myself with the feminists on tumblr, the reason being that they fucking enrage me but that’s beside the point.

I’ll cover my views on a few basic topics.

Men as a population:

It is completely irrational to hate men as a population (with very very few exceptions). Just because ONE man has hurt you does not mean the entire male populous are evil horndogs who just want to fuck you. I have been sexually assaulted. I have been harassed on the streets by men that are obviously much older than me. Men have done horrible things to me. But I find it impossible to hate all men.

To automatically judge a male because he has a penis is the exact same as judging a woman purely because she has a vagina – it is sexist. And for feminists to constantly bash and berate males simply for existing is no better than what men have been doing to women.

On female oppression:

All women are “oppressed” to a certain degree, but in first world countries, it’s very slight. Being honked at while walking down the sidewalk is not oppression. A man negatively commenting on your appearance is not oppression. Oppression is when women are not allowed to drive; when they must cover their bodies complete to be seen as appropriate; when women aren’t allowed to hold office or even have a job; when women cannot divorce their abusive older husband; when women cannot fully participate in society, that is oppression.

On rape culture and slut shaming:

I do believe women have a right to be proud of their body, but I also believe that you need to be dressing appropriately for the occasion, as yes, society has expectations and standards that may differ from yours. Don’t cry out “slut shamer!!!!” when you wear a bandeu top and cut off jean shorts to school and they send you home.

Men are not the only people able to rape, and women are not the only possible victims. Men can rape men, women can rape women, and yes, women can rape men. To marginalize someone’s horrific experience of rape solely based on their gender is ignorant and disgusting.

Many feminists act like men are naturally programmed to rape, which is the most absurd thing I’ve heard. Women can be just as malicious and ‘horny’ as males. Popular culture, frankly, sheds a positive light on women, portraying them as innocent. If a woman claims a man raped her, everyone will band up behind her, even if there is no proof that it ever happened.

Will add to this later.

tl;dr tumblr feminists are crazy as fuck

Afraid to take new meds

My psychiatrist just prescribed me the antipsychotic drug seroquel, but weight gain is almost always the side effect that a lot of people experience while on it. Many of the reviews for seroquel have statements saying that it causes severe weight gain and extreme tiredness. It apparently also makes it impossible to lose weight even when dieting and exercising while on it. 

I have multiple mental illnesses including depression, generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, OCD, ADHD, PMMD, and symptoms of schizophrenia. I also struggle with self harm and panic attacks often. 

A couple years ago I had an eating disorder, which I don’t have anymore but I still fear weight gain a lot. I absolutely despise gaining weight, and I refuse to take anything that has such a big probability of weight gain. I already have a low self image because of my weight. 

Instead of an antipsychotic drug, I asked my psychiatrist for another anti depressant to take with the one I’m currently on (prozac). I specifically asked for wellbutrin because it doesn’t cause weight gain and even causes weight loss in some people. Apparently prozac and wellbutrin are the only two antidepressants that don’t cause weight gain. My psychiatrist said I can’t take wellbutrin because I can’t take that with my adderall. 

Instead of an antidepressant he suggested an antipsychotic and I had a bad experience with an antipsychotic in the hospital a few years ago. They put me on risperdal and it caused me to feel extremely numb, groggy, and zombie like. Everything felt and looked fake, and I felt as if I were stuck in a dream and nothing was real. I learned this condition is called derealization, and it was a very scary experience that I never want to go through again. 

My psychiatrist said that seroquel should help with my anxiety and schizophrenia symptoms. I told him about my experience with risperdal but he said that a low dose of seroquel would not make me feel like a “zombie”. He started me out with 100 mg and said this is a very low dose, but I looked it up and 25 mg is the lowest dose. 100 mg seems like a lot for a person who is just starting it. 

I don’t know, I’m really scared to start this medication. There are so many bad side effects that I could experience. I can’t decide if I should just take it or not. 

Why I smoke

I am a smoker, and I thought it’d be fun to answer the issues most people raise against smoking.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to encourage smoking or tell people that smoking is good or healthy. I’m simply giving my reasons for smoking despite the common arguments people use against me, because I’m tired of people always saying these things to me. 

“You only smoke because it’s fun and you think it looks cool! Smoking never helps you with any problems you may be having”

Smoking is not fun, I don’t know who ever said that, because it’s not. It’s a coping mechanism for most people. For me; it’s a replacement for cutting myself. I also suffer from terrible anxiety and smoking gives me the illusion that I am relaxing. So it really does help me in certain situations.

“Smoking is going to give you cancer and kill you!”

So far as I can tell, I’m going to die anyway, and cancer does not usually strike fast. I haven’t been smoking long enough to gain any real health issues, and I don’t know if I am going to stop or not, but considering I have gone cold turkey before – I see no reason to panic over these issues. And like I said, for me smoking is a replacement for even more harmful things. I’m sure you’d rather I get cancer 50 years from now and die slowly than me cut an artery and bleed to death instantly at the age of 17. 

“Smoking smells bad to people who don’t smoke. It’s unfair to everyone else who has to smell your smoke. And second-hand smoking isn’t good for your health either. You are hurting other people!”

I try to make sure that I don’t smell of smoke, I chew gum or have a mint when I am finished smoking and I always smoke outside so the smoke doesn’t get on my clothes. You can also buy really good fabric cleaners to get rid of the smell, as well as special shampoo. At bus stops and public places, I stand away from others and away from the wind, so my smoke doesn’t blow towards them or near them. I am quite considerate. I do agree that smokers should be considerate of those around them.

“Once you start, you can’t stop! Smoking is highly addictive and you can get addicted very easily. You will want to smoke all the time!”

Untrue. I have gone cold turkey myself, for over a year. The only reason I started smoking again was because I was going through a rough time. A friend of mine quit smoking one afternoon a year ago, cold turkey and has never looked back. Some people can kick it, the key is actually wanting to, or having a goal too. It’s not as addicting as some people say it is. For some people, it’s the action you are addicted too (although the substance is highly addictive in large amounts). I myself enjoy the relaxation it gives, going outside during lunch to be alone for a few minutes with a cigarette is the only thing I look forward to during the school day. 

“The ingredients in cigarettes are really bad! Do you know what you are smoking? Do you know what you are purposely putting into your lungs?”

Of course I know what I am smoking, I read the label the first time. Do you know what you eat in your food? People know, but they still eat it. Do people know what they rub on their skin when they are using some make up? Yes, but they still do it.

I do agree that smoking is bad for your health, but for me and some of the smokers I know, it’s different.